


Say it First

by HopeSilverheart



Series: Loving Em at 2AM [43]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: (but not Clary and Maia), Alcohol, Background Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland, Bisexual Maia Roberts, Developing Relationship, Drinking & Talking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Getting Together, Girls in Love, Good Friend Lydia Branwell, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, Lesbian Clary Fray, Light Angst, Pining, Post-Break Up, Relationship Issues, Supportive Maia Roberts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24952993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: Leaving the club with Maia in tow was the easiest decision she had made in a very long time. For the first time since Isabelle had broken up with her, Clary chose someone else. She chose to step away from the person who had hurt her and broken her heart and chose the one who had been by her side ever since that horrible night.And as she talked to Maia in a dingy diner a few blocks away from the club, she couldn’t help but think that she had chosen perfectly. Maia was no Isabelle, but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.Or: Clary has had her heart broken, but Maia reminds her that her first love doesn't have to be her last.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Maia Roberts, Lydia Branwell/Isabelle Lightwood, Past Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood - Relationship
Series: Loving Em at 2AM [43]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764400
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Say it First

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatnerdemryn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/gifts).



Isabelle looked as beautiful as ever.

She was dancing in the crowd, her dark hair flying around wildly every time she moved and her eyes shining brighter than they had in months. She looked so free, losing herself in the mass of strangers, and Clary wondered how she hadn’t noticed how miserable Isabelle had been with her.

She pointedly ignored the blond-haired woman dancing with her, looping her arms around her waist and laughing loudly at something Isabelle was saying. She ignored how hollow her heart felt as she looked at her ex flirting with her new girlfriend. She pretended like it didn’t hurt, like it didn’t make her want to get between the two of them and ask Isabelle how she had managed to move on so fast.

Had the brunette really been that unhappy? Had Clary truly been so bad? And more importantly, what did _Lydia_ have that she didn’t? What was it about the serious, borderline stuck-up shadowhunter that made Isabelle like her?

“You look like you could use a drink.”

Clary’s head snapped sideways as she turned to glare at the person who had dared interrupt her sorrowful thoughts. Instead of a stranger, however, she found Maia. Maia, who knew about Clary’s disastrous relationship problems and had been there when Simon had comforted the redhead with ice cream and terrible movies. Maia, who probably understood exactly what was going on with Clary.

After all, Simon had left her in the same way Isabelle had left Clary. They could probably start a club, charge for entry, and make a fortune. It would be better than exchanging pitiful stories over drinks and pretending like they didn’t mind seeing their exes hang out with their new partners.

“Isabelle and Lydia are here,” she muttered, gesturing towards the dance floor. Pandemonium was always crowded, but Isabelle had a way of standing out that Clary had once adored. Now, it made it impossible for the redhead to avoid the woman she had loved – the woman she still loved, in many ways.

Maia winced sympathetically, taking a seat on the stool next to Clary’s and waving the bartender over. Clary let her order, knowing she would get them something strong that would make the redhead forget about all of her troubles. It would only last a night and would probably result in a killer headache the next day, but it was worth it. Anything to forget about Isabelle for a moment. For a _second_.

“They look…” Maia started, obviously trying to come up with a word that wouldn’t make Clary’s heart ache. Unfortunately, it was hard to criticize two people as perfect for each other as Lydia and Isabelle.

“They look good,” Clary murmured, tearing her eyes away from the dance floor. Looking at Isabelle wouldn’t amount to anything; they had broken up over a month ago, it was time for her to move on. “You don’t have to lie to me, Maia. I may hate their relationship, but even I know how great they are for each other.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be pissed about them showing off here,” Maia shrugged. “Remember what I was like after my break-up with Simon? I’m pretty sure I hit Jace in the face once, although that night is a bit blurry in my mind.”

“You definitely hit him,” Clary snorted. “But I- Damn it, despite all of this, I still _like_ Lydia. She’s frustrating and a pain and I hate that she stole Isabelle from me, but she’s… She’s a good person, and she tries her best to keep her relationship with Isabelle private even though it annoys her to no end, and she keeps her distance when I’m clearly in a bad mood, and I- I want to hate her, but I can’t.”

“Just like you can’t hate Isabelle?” Maia prompted. They had talked about this before, about how hard it was to still love someone when all you wanted to do was yell at them and get over them and be _pissed_ at them. Maia had had it even worse with Simon, since he had started dating Jace almost immediately after their break-up, but Clary wasn’t much better.

“Just like that,” she sighed. “I just don’t understand how she does it. How was she able to forget about our relationship so fast?”

“I don’t think she has,” Maia said softly, her eyes straying back to the dance floor. Lydia and Isabelle were still swaying against each other, hips touching and arms looped around waists and necks like they fit together perfectly. “I know it might seem like it with Lydia around, but I doubt that anyone could forget about you like that. Just because she’s moved on doesn’t mean she doesn’t remember all the great things about your relationship. I think she’s just trying to… I don’t know, leave it behind?”

Clary sighed, resting her head on her chin and tipping her head gratefully to the bartender when he placed a new drink in front of her. She downed it quickly, needing burn and something to take the edge off her emotions.

“I wish I could do that,” Clary murmured after a few minutes of silence. Maia glanced at her questioningly, and Clary shrugged, pointing her finger at Isabelle and Lydia as though it was explanation enough. “I wish-”

“You don’t,” Maia shook her head, placing her hand on one of Clary’s and squeezing her fingers comfortingly. “You really don’t. I tried it, moving on before I was ready, and it didn’t work out. I ended up making myself sick and couldn’t get rid of the feeling that I was _dirty_ for a week after my date. I know it hurts right now, but pretending like you’re okay with touching someone else when you’re not is… It’s a bad idea.”

“Yeah,” Clary chuckled humourlessly. “I kind of figured, but I also didn’t think Isabelle could handle it, and there she is. They’re so happy, and now I can’t help but wonder if- I mean, they’re so close, so do you think there’s a chance that she…”

“Absolutely not,” Maia said firmly. “Isabelle isn’t a cheater, Clary. I’m not saying she didn’t have feelings for Lydia whilst the two of you were still dating, because I doubt that she would have broken up with you if that weren’t the case, but she didn’t cheat. You know her better than almost anyone does, and I know you don’t truly believe that she could do something like that.”

“No, she couldn’t,” Clary agreed quietly, pushing her glass back towards the bartender and shaking her head when he silently asked if she wanted something else. “She’s too good for that. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make me feel better about myself. I think I’ve had enough to drink, and enough of watching my ex flirt with her new girlfriend. I’m leaving, wanna come?”

“Come where?”

Clary shrugged, and Maia’s eyes lit up with excitement. If there was one thing Maia and Clary had in common, it was their love for mysteries and adventure and spontaneous trips to a place they had never visited before. They hadn’t spent a lot of time together in the past, too busy with their own relationships and problems, but the companionship they had shared over the past month or so made Clary think that perhaps her relationship with Isabelle had been making her miss out on other amazing things.

Leaving the club with Maia in tow was the easiest decision she had made in a very long time. For the first time since Isabelle had broken up with her, Clary chose someone else. She chose to step away from the person who had hurt her and broken her heart and chose the one who had been by her side ever since that horrible night.

And as she talked to Maia in a dingy diner a few blocks away from the club, she couldn’t help but think that she had chosen perfectly. Maia was no Isabelle, but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.

* * *

Clary checked her phone for the fourth time in the last ten minutes. Unsurprisingly, no new messages had arrived.

Honestly, she didn’t know why she had expected anything else. Isabelle had told her she didn’t mind meeting up with her, but her ex had never been the most reliable person. Clary had loved her recklessness and impulsivity – and in certain ways, she still did – but her heart panged painfully as she realised that, even now that they were broken up, Isabelle could still hurt her.

All Clary had wanted was closure. A single night spent with Isabelle to talk over their relationship, their issues, and maybe come to an agreement about what to do next. Because before they had dated, Isabelle and she had been friends and, more than anything, Clary craved to get that back. She wanted her training partner back, wanted someone to talk to about Institute problems when things got too much and Alec was too busy with work.

She wasn’t completely over Isabelle yet, but she would be, eventually, and all she had wanted was a chance to fix things between them. They had left their relationship on a sour note, and Clary just wanted to make things right. Unfortunately, it seemed like Isabelle wasn’t as willing to work on their friendship as she was.

“You look like you could use a drink.”

Clary’s head snapped up at the familiar-sounding words, and a small smile curled at her lips as she spotted Maia sliding her way down the bar. Clary had known the brunette worked there, of course, but she hadn’t expected to see her that night.

“Picking up a shift?” She asked instead of addressing her pathetic problems. Those could wait until she had a few more alcoholic drinks in her system. “I thought you didn’t work week-ends anymore.”

“Rent’s due soon,” Maia grimaced, earning herself a sympathetic grunt from Clary. The redhead was very glad she didn’t have to pay for her room at the Institute, because she had a feeling they would be ridiculously overpriced. “It’s not ideal, but there’s not much I can do about it.”

“I guess not,” Clary agreed, grinning gratefully at the brunette when she slid a pink cocktail across the bar with a wink. If there was one thing Clary loved about having a bartender friend, it was the occasional free drink. Well, that and the fact that Maia was one of the kindest souls she had ever met. “You know, I feel like downworlder leaders like you should get payed for their services, at least a little bit. I get payed for my work as a shadowhunter and, although I’ll admit it probably takes up more of my time than your pack duties, there’s no reason for downworlder work to be treated like a hobby rather than a job.”

“Yeah, well,” Maia shrugged. “It’s not like we have a Clave around to control us. Given the choice, I think I’d take an unpaid job over an overbearing organisation every single time, no offence.”

“None taken,” Clary snorted. “I’ll have to agree on that one. It’s not like we even get equal pay, so there’s not much to brag about on that front. But screw money talk, what’s been up with you lately? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages, even though I know we hung out last week after the club.”

“We’ve both got busy lives, Fray,” Maia chuckled. “I’m not surprised by how little time we actually spend together. However, if you’re really that interested in my company, you know I’m almost always here on week nights and occasionally on week-ends. Unfortunately, people rarely come to the bar just to see the bartender, or at least not the pretty people I might enjoy talking to. Who stood you up?”

“Isabelle.”

Maia winced sympathetically, and Clary shrugged as nonchalantly as possible. There was no need for her friend to pity her even more than she probably did. At least Simon hadn’t started ignoring Maia once they had broken up; the two had had a rough week or two, but they had gotten over themselves quickly enough. Clary just wished the same thing could be true when it came to Isabelle and her.

“I just wanted to talk to her about fixing our friendship,” Clary explained. Maia hadn’t asked, but the redhead could read the question in her eyes almost _too_ easily. “Working with someone who refuses to speak to you is a pain in the ass, especially when you also have to deal with that person’s significant other on a daily basis. I expected Lydia to be the salty one, but it turns out Isabelle is far pettier than I thought she could be.”

“Yeah, break-ups will do that to you,” Maia muttered, probably thinking about how aggressive she had gotten after hers and Simon’s separation. Her feelings had been all over the place, but Clary couldn’t blame her.

After all, Simon had been the one to break up with _her_ for someone else, just as Isabelle had been the one to do the same thing to Clary. If anything, Clary should be the one getting angry and huffy and all those other useless emotions. Instead, she had to deal with her ex’s inexplicable frustration on top of her own shattered heart.

“I just don’t get it,” Clary sighed. “She’s happy with Lydia, I can see that. When they’re together, Isabelle all but radiates joy, and it shows in almost every other aspect of her life. Alec tells me that she’s been more tolerable lately, Jace is overjoyed at having his adventurous sister back in shape, and the other shadowhunters haven’t complained about bad behaviour once in the past month. She’s _happy_ , so why is she still treating me as horribly as she used to when we were dating?”

Maia didn’t answer for a few minutes, probably thinking about how much worse things had actually been when Clary and Isabelle had still been dating. They had been happy for a few months but had been bad for each other for a lot longer than that. Isabelle had left Clary alone at the bar more times than Clary cared to think of, and she knew she hadn’t been much better in return.

Still, she had loved the brunette, and it had hurt every single time. And since she still cared for Isabelle, it still hurt even over a month after their break-up.

“I think Isabelle is worried that things between you will never be the same,” Maia finally answered. “I think deep down, she wants the same thing as you, but she doesn’t know how to get it. I think she’s afraid you’ll talk to her only to tell her you never want to see her again. We both know she never does things without reason, so if she stood you up tonight… There’s a good chance she just chickened out at the last moment.”

“Well great,” Clary laughed mirthlessly. “How am I supposed to truly move on if I can’t even have a single conversation with her? I want to be happy for Lydia and her, but I’m not sure I can do that until we talk and figure things out between us. I want this relationship to be well and truly over, Maia, because I think I’m finally ready to get out there and potentially meet the right person for me, but I can’t do that right now.”

“You need her to reassure you,” Maia guessed – accurately, as always. “You want her to tell you the break-up was both your faults, not just yours. I get that.”

“Yeah, well I don’t get why I blame myself at all,” Clary rubbed her face tiredly, making grabby hands towards the drink in Maia’s hands as the brunette left to give another patron a refill. As she waited for Maia to come back, Clary took a few big gulps of her drink, barely even wincing at how much alcohol her friend had poured in there.

By the time Maia came back, she had already finished half of her drink. What could she say? She was a drinker when she was sad. And she was a sad drunk. Great things all around, really.

“I hope you know that was your last one,” Maia raised an eyebrow as she gestured at Clary’s glass. “I’m not giving you a refill after that, especially not given how fast you just downed it.”

Clary pouted but didn’t protest. Maia knew more than her about drunk patrons and reasonable alcohol levels, and Clary would rather be somewhat conscious the next day, which wouldn’t happen if she got completely hammered that night. After all, she had an Isabelle to confront once and for all, and she couldn’t do that if she was too busy bemoaning her fate and gulping down water with aspirin.

“It’s all Isabelle’s fault,” she pronounced loudly, grimacing at her own volume before she was even done speaking. She quieted her voice before trying again. “It’s all her fault. I wouldn’t be this miserable if I had never met her. I wish she had never been a part of my life in the first place.”

“Lies, Clary Fray,” Maia shook her head with a sad smile. “You loved her and wouldn’t take back the time you had with her for the world. I would know, believe me. Just as I know that our lives wouldn’t have been any better without Simon and Isabelle in them. We would have found someone else who would have broken our hearts, and maybe we would have found ourselves in this exact position.”

“Except we wouldn’t have each other,” Clary gasped. “And that wouldn’t do at all, oh no. The only reason I didn’t go into hibernation mode after the break-up was because of you, the only reason I don’t get drunk off my ass every night is because I have your voice niggling me at the back of my mind, and the only reason I haven’t gone insane is because I’ve had someone to talk to this whole time. Imagine how bad things would have been if we hadn’t had each other.”

“Yeah,” Maia said softly, a glint Clary couldn’t quite place flashing in her eyes. It was gone before she could analyse it, and Clary was much too tipsy – _drunk_ – to think about it in depth. “They would have been pretty damn depressing. So, do you still regret having met Isabelle now?”

“Well no,” Clary admitted with a heavy sigh. “She was great. She _is_ great. A great shadowhunter, a great sister, a great girlfriend to Lydia and, maybe someday, a great friend to me. Great, great, great.”

“Just like you,” Maia rolled her eyes. “You’re really not so bad yourself, Fray, no matter how useless you might feel right now. I know losing someone you love hurts, but you can’t let it completely tear you apart. Remember what I told you last week at the diner? Isabelle was your first; you have plenty of time to find your second, then your third, and eventually your forever.”

“Yeah,” Clary murmured, glancing down at her drink and finishing it in one fell swoop. “Let’s just hope that forever comes sooner rather than later, otherwise I’m going to have a serious drinking problem by the time I find the right person.”

Maia snorted, and Clary let the sound was over her as she closed her eyes for just a second. She had come to the Hunter’s Moon straight from a patrol, wanting to be on time for her meeting with Isabelle, and she hadn’t realised how exhausted she was until the alcohol caught up to her.

Closing her eyes for a second couldn’t hurt, right? She needed all the rest she could get, after all.

(And if Maia had to take her back to the Institute herself that night, well, no one but them had to know.)

* * *

Clary rushed towards the bar Magnus had magicked up in his loft, sighing relievedly when she finally lost sight of her date.

After having a very serious conversation with Isabelle about where they stood with each other and what they wanted for their shared future, Clary had finally managed to move on. Her feelings for Isabelle had already been fading, and their last discussion had given her the closure she had so desperately needed.

Isabelle would always be her first love, but it was time for her to find someone else, someone who fit with her as perfectly as Magnus and Alec did, or as smoothly as Lydia and Isabelle did – because those two really _did_ belong together; Clary could see that now.

Unfortunately, dating wasn’t as easy as she had thought it would be. She had never really gone on blind dates or asked her friends to set her up, so this was a completely new experience. Simon had promised her that she would adore this girl, but Clary had only known her for an hour and it had already been more than enough. The blonde wasn’t awful, in fact she was quite nice, but she was bland and uninteresting and very much _mundane_.

Why Simon hadn’t thought about that before inviting her on a date with Clary to _Magnus’_ apartment was a mystery Clary was eager to solve. Alec and Magnus didn’t do things by half when it came to parties, especially not when they were for Chairman Meow, their precious cat. There was magic everywhere, sparkling brightly and making the air shimmer, and Clary could only be thankful that her date was gullible enough to believe they were all just special effects.

However, keeping her away from all the Seelie drinks and the blood and the hundreds of other dangerous artifacts her friends kept around was tiring, especially since Clary just _really_ didn’t want to spend more time with this girl than strictly necessary.

When she reached the bar, she took a second to close her eyes and breathe in deeply, wondering if it would be terribly rude of her to just stay there all night, where the music wasn’t as loud and the crowd as thick.

(And, more importantly, where her terribly boring date wouldn’t be.)

“You look like you could use a drink.”

Clary grinned brightly even before she opened her eyes, both the words and the voice familiar and comforting. She couldn’t count how many times she had stopped by the Hunter’s Moon after a patrol in the last two weeks, but it had to be quite high, and Maia loved greeting her with the same statement every time.

It was their _thing_ in a way, and Clary loved it. She especially loved what it meant; some uninterrupted time with her friend, someone she appreciated and liked talking to and who understood her expressions better than anyone else – other than Alec, perhaps – did.

After a night spent trying to please someone Clary couldn’t have cared less about, Maia’s presence was a blessing. The redhead blinked rapidly a few times, trying to spot Maia in the darkness of the room and gaping when she did. She should have expected the woman to be a little more dressed up, given where they were, but she still hadn’t been ready for how stunning Maia looked in the magical candlelight. Her dress was long and elegant and a gorgeous burgundy, and Clary felt her mouth dry up.

When her date had met up with her in front of Magnus’ building, Clary hadn’t even batted an eyelash, even though she knew that the woman was – objectively – quite pretty. But a mere glimpse at Maia under those lights was enough to make her heart beat faster. It said something about her that she didn’t want to think about quite yet, so she let it simmer at the back of her mind.

Someday, she would be ready to think about her feelings and what they meant. For now, though, she had a friend to update on the terrible date she had been having so far.

“If you make me the strongest cocktail you know how to mix, I will owe you forever,” she groaned, glancing behind her to make sure her date hadn’t followed her to the bar. “Simon set me up with a girl, and I have never regretted saying yes to him in my entire life. She’s so…”

“Rude? Unattractive? Annoying?” Maia suggested, grinning mischievously as she leaned over the bar and plucked a few bottles from underneath it. Clearly, Magnus had given her access to this area of his loft.

“ _Dull_ ,” Clary corrected, scrunching her nose up distastefully. “Don’t get me wrong, I would have probably loved her if I had met her before entering the Shadow world, but now… She’s a mundane, Maia, of all things. She thinks this place is cool and that Magnus is some sort of lights engineer or something. She’s been talking about herself for the past half hour because I shut down every question she tries to ask me about my job, and I swear her life is so uninteresting I had to refrain from yawning in her face.”

“Someone’s picky,” Maia snickered, glancing around the room as though she was trying to spot Clary’s date. The redhead nudged her in the ribs _hard_ to get her to stop. “You’d better treat me with a little bit more respect if you want this drink of yours, Fray.”

“We both know you only make those drinks because you like bartending, not because you want to please me,” Clary scoffed. “Besides, I need the alcohol or I might not make it through the night. How do people do this? I’ve been on one date and I’m already sick of it; how do people do this on a regular basis without wanting to shoot themselves in the foot just to get out of an awkward situation?”

“I honestly have no idea,” Maia laughed. “I tried twice and decided it wasn’t for me. Some people love meeting others and deciding if they like them on the spot. They like the mystery that comes with meeting a stranger and the novelty of blind dates, at least for a while. But I didn’t get it, and I don’t think I ever will. Some of us aren’t meant to date strangers, and that’s more than fine.”

“But if not strangers, then who?” Clary whined, sipping at her drink as slowly as possible. She had a feeling Maia wouldn’t make her a second one, and she needed any excuse she could find to leave her date alone for a while. It would only be half an hour; surely Charlotte – Charlie? – would be alright. “I can’t exactly date anyone from the Institute. I tried that once and it didn’t work out, so I’m in no hurry to try again. Besides, there’s an astounding number of men for a completely lacklustre number of women, so my options are severely restricted.”

“I’m not saying you’re not going to have to meet strangers first,” Maia sighed exasperatedly. “But I’m saying you don’t have to immediately start dating them. Become their friend, get to know them and, if there’s something between you, then you can ask them out. I tried once and it was a whole lot better than my attempts at blind dating and dating apps.”

It made sense, in a way, but Clary didn’t think making friends would be any easier than finding dates. New York City was huge, but the Shadow World wasn’t, and she was quickly coming to the realisation that she couldn’t date a mundane. Not only was it frowned upon within the shadowhunter community, it was also just… It wouldn’t work out. Clary would have to lie about what her job was, where she lived, what had happened to her mother, who her friends were… And she didn’t think she could handle that.

Which left either shadowhunters or downworlders. The first option wasn’t a good idea, and the second one would be almost impossible to deal with. Not because she cared about whether someone was a downworlder or not, but because _they_ cared that she was a shadowhunter. No matter how little Clary cared for the Clave and their politics, she was still regarded with suspicion and distrust when it came to the Downworld.

Overall, Clary had a feeling that finding her ‘perfect person’ wasn’t going to be as easy as it had been for Lydia and Isabelle. She wondered if they knew how lucky they were to have found each other, no matter how terrible the timing had been. Did they know how rare it was for people to find their soulmate, their other half, the one person who understood them and loved them no matter what?

“Well don’t look so glum,” Maia bumped their shoulders together playfully. “At the very least, you’ll always have me. Believe me, my attempts at dating have all ended in disaster, so I don’t think I’ll be entering a serious relationship anytime soon. The best thing I can hope for is- Well, it’s out of my reach, I’m pretty sure.”

“Giving up before you’ve even tried?” Clary teased the brunette. “Very unlike you, Roberts. You’re too good of a person and too beautiful of a woman for someone _not_ to notice you. Just be patient, like I’m trying to be. Maybe they’ll surprise you and come around when you least expect them to.”

“Are you already drunk?” Maia frowned, a small smirk twitching on her lips. “Because you’re making even less sense than you usually do. Maybe I shouldn’t have given you that drink after all, no matter how pitiful you looked standing there like a stranded puppy who couldn’t find its master anymore.”

“Right well, if that’s how it’s going to be, I might as well go find my date,” Clary rolled her eyes, although she had to press her lips together tightly to stop herself from laughing. “Just for the record, I look nothing like a puppy, alright? I’m a fierce and confident woman, and no one could ever reduce me to some lost creature in need of saving.”

“Everyone needs to be saved once in a while,” Maia said mock-seriously, which only got her another nudge in the ribs. “Oh come on, don’t you want to be someone’s damsel in distress?”

“I think I’d rather be the knight in shining armour,” Clary grinned. “Or shining leather, I suppose. I’m not sure I could defeat demons in a full armour, although that’s certainly an experience worth trying. Maybe I can find Alec and ask him what he thinks about it; he’s always looking for new ways to torture – I mean _train_ – the newbies.”

She was walking away from the bar before Maia could say anything else, though the brunette called out to her over the music and the background noises of hundreds of people mingling.

“You’re welcome, Fray! And don’t forget to find your date at some point!”

Clary chuckled underneath her breath, shook her head fondly in Maia’s direction, and turned around, trying to make sure she stayed away from a distinctive shock of blond hair whilst also attempting to find Alec.

And maybe she found herself glancing in the bar’s direction one too many times that night, although she would deny it until her dying breath. She had no reason to be looking over there; none at all.

* * *

Maia wasn’t at the Hunter’s Moon, and Clary didn’t know what to do with herself.

She had been coming to the bar every other night for almost a month now, and she had never run into this problem. Maia had always been there, beaming at her and complaining about the drunk patrons she had had to deal with that night. She had always been ready to spend time with Clary, juggling between actual customers and her friend like an expert. The redhead had started looking forward to these moments more than she had to anything in a very long time, but she hadn’t realised just how much they meant to hear until she walked into the bar and Maia wasn’t behind the counter.

Her colleague explained that she had had to take a night off to study for an exam – which Clary now remembered hearing about a few days earlier – which left Clary with no one to talk to.

She had still ordered a drink, of course, mostly as a way to thank the bartender for his helpfulness, but also because she would rather be drinking alone than milling around the Institute whilst she waited to be called away for a patrol. Alec had put her on the roster for the night, stating that she took too many empty day shifts and, although Clary had been mad at him for doing so without asking, she had to admit it hadn’t been a bad idea.

Especially now that she was facing an evening without her drinking and conversation partner.

“Woah, you look like you could use a drink or two more.”

Clary perked up unconsciously, even thought she knew that voice and knew it wasn’t the one she had been waiting for. As soon as the words washed over her, spoken in Lydia’s smoother and lighter tone, she couldn’t help but wince at how wrong it sounded. What was the blonde doing, talking to Clary as Maia would usually do? Didn’t the woman have something else to do with her life?

Alright, so maybe she was a bit bitter about the lack of Maia in her life, but could anyone really blame her? Lydia was nice, but she was nothing compared to the enchanting brunette Clary usually spent her evenings with. And yes, she knew the thoughts she had locked away at the very back of her mind had something to do with that, but she still categorically refused to think about those.

At least right now, when she was disgustingly sober and in the company of the woman who was dating her ex. The last thing Clary wanted was for Isabelle to find out about how often Maia and Clary hung out. Ever since they had made up and become friends again, Isabelle was determined to set Clary up with someone who suited the redhead better than she did. Just like Simon’s efforts, the gesture was sweet but completely unasked for and unwanted. Clary just wanted to be left alone to figure her own life out.

The last thing she needed was Lydia reporting on her to Isabelle.

“Yeah well, unfortunately that’s not going to happen,” Clary sighed. Lydia raised her eyebrows questioningly, and Clary rolled her eyes exaggeratedly before answering. What was it with shadowhunters and their never-ending curiosity? “I’m on call for demon patrol tonight, which means I need to be somewhat sober if I get asked to perform my duty or whatnot. Don’t you have access to this information, as Alec’s second-in-command or whatever it is that you do?”

“I do,” Lydia huffed. “However, I have better things to do with my life than look over information that my superior already took care of. Besides, I would never be able to remember about important things if I filled my brain with something as useless as who’s out on the field when. Shadowhunters are always patrolling, Clary, I’m hardly going to keep track of all of them.”

“Right,” the redhead grumbled, not liking how lecture-like that answer had sounded. “So we’ve now established that I’m here waiting for something to happen in the Shadow world. What about you, though, what are you doing here?”

“Would you believe me if I told you the same thing?” Lydia asked, smiling unconvincingly at Clary. The redhead snorted and shook her head, earning herself a disgruntled look from the other woman. “Fine, I’m here wallowing in my misery. Isabelle and I got into a bit of a fight earlier and I needed to get away from the Institute.”

“Is everything alright between the two of you?” Clary inquired, frowning heavily at Lydia’s words. A while ago, she would have been delighted to hear that Lydia and Isabelle were having relationship issues. Now, it just made her want to act and help them fix things. After all, no one knew Isabelle and her problems better than the people she had seriously dated. “Can I… do something? Even if it’s just listening, I swear I’m pretty good at it most of the time.”

Lydia cocked her head to the side for a few moments, probably trying to determine whether Clary’s offer was genuine or not. After a minute or so, the blonde shrugged and sighed mournfully before ordering a drink and angling her body towards Clary.

“It’s nothing serious,” she started, biting her lip and looking down at her lap. She was holding something in her hands, and Clary couldn’t help but wonder if it was a gift from Isabelle – the brunette _loved_ giving gifts. “She was complaining about the way I acted as her superior within the Institute and I had to remind her that our personal relationship couldn’t impact our professional one. She didn’t take it very well, but I know it’ll be okay in the end. I suppose I’m just-”

“Worried?” Clary guessed, smiling understandingly when Lydia nodded. “Yeah, worrying is kind of the norm when it comes to the people you love. You don’t want to disappoint her, don’t want to hurt her, but you also know there are things you can’t let slide, especially when it comes to work. Isabelle is a strong woman, but she knows when to admit defeat and apologise. She’ll come around in no time, just as she always does.”

“But she didn’t always with you, did she?” Lydia asked, and Clary ignored the way the blonde’s words made her heart pang. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“It’s fine,” Clary waved her concerns away. “It’ll always be a bit painful to remember that Isabelle eventually grew sick of me, but it is what it is. However, let me tell you that what the two of you have is completely different. When she’s with you, Isabelle exudes happiness. She’s always been the type to shine brightly and attract everyone’s gazes towards her, but when she’s with you, she never hesitates to share all that limelight. She pushed _you_ in front of her because she thinks you’re the most beautiful thing in the world. She listens to you, from what I can tell, but she’s also still herself, which means sometimes she’ll get angry or throw a bit of a tantrum. But never doubt that she loves you, Lydia, because she looks at you like you hung the moon and gave her the stars.”

“I-” Lydia cleared her throat, glancing up at Clary from underneath her eyelashes. There was a blush high on her cheeks that had nothing to do with the heat or the alcohol and Clary smiled, pleased. Lydia had clearly just needed a reminder of why Isabelle and she worked so well. “Thank you. I love her a lot, but it’s sometimes hard to remember that she loves me just as much. Unrequited love was a bitch to me in the past, and I’ve been a bit insecure ever since.”

Clary’s heart lurched, although she wasn’t sure why. She frowned as she replayed Lydia’s answer in her mind, trying to figure out which part of it had bothered her so much, but shook her head to get rid of the intrusive thoughts when Lydia made a questioning noise.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Clary said slowly. “I think I am. I just- I think something you said hit a nerve, but I can’t tell what it is, exactly.”

Lydia gazed at her appraisingly for a few seconds, and Clary was suddenly hit with the realisation that the blonde knew exactly what was going on in her mind. She didn’t know why or how, but it seemed like Lydia had learned to read her better than she could ready herself.

Or the blonde was just staring at her very intently. She wasn’t sure which option she preferred.

“You were hurt too,” Lydia finally murmured, twirling her drink around in her glass. “You didn’t suffer through unrequited love, since Izzy and you truly loved each other, but you were still hurt because of your relationship. Isabelle- You two didn’t work together, and I’m not just saying that because I’m now dating her. My point is, you liked her, you asked her out, you dated her, you _loved_ her and still, things didn’t work out. You don’t feel insecure about unrequited love, but you do feel insecure about love not being enough to uphold a relationship. I mean, I’m no expert, but I think that’s what’s happening, because I’ve seen you look at Maia, and… Well, let’s just say there has to be a reason why the two of you aren’t together yet.”

Clary opened her mouth to deny Lydia’s theory, but she snapped it shut almost immediately. Alright, so _maybe_ the blonde had a point.

It wasn’t like Clary hadn’t noticed that there was something more between Maia and her; she would have to be a fool not to. However, she had been trying to keep everything hidden in the safety of her own mind, because she didn’t want to ruin what she had with Maia the way she had with Isabelle.

Lydia was right. Clary had been hurt once in the past, and she was afraid of it happening again, no matter how perfect Maia might appear to be for her. The thing was, she didn’t know what to do about it. How could she possibly push past her fears enough to tell Maia that she wanted to be with her as something more than a friend?

“It’s not like she’s tried anything either,” Clary grumbled, although she knew the excuse was weak even before she said it out loud. Clary had to be the first one to act, not because Maia wasn’t brave enough to do it, but because she was the one who had been struggling with her past relationship and rediscovery of the dating scene. Maia was probably waiting for her. “But I guess- I just don’t know how I’m supposed to make things go right this time.”

“You can’t make them go right,” Lydia chuckled. “And you know that as well as I do. There is no forcing things to work out in a relationship. Efforts are a necessity, of course, as Alec and Magnus have told us hundreds of times already, but they’re not a guarantee of anything. The best thing you can do is love Maia, cherish her, and hope that she’s the right one. But just so you know, I think she _is_ the one for you. The two of you have something extraordinary, something that even Izzy and I didn’t have when we first got together.”

“And what’s that?”

“I don’t know,” Lydia shrugged, a smirk tugging at her lips when Clary huffed frustratedly. “You tell me, Clary, what do Maia and you have that makes your relationship so special?”

Clary closed her eyes, burying her head in her hands as she gestured for the bartender to mix her another drink. Patrols be damned, she wasn’t about to think about her feelings for Maia without a good amount of alcohol in her blood.

Especially since she had a feeling this would take a very long time. Or at least the entire night, and probably a little help from Lydia, who hadn’t moved away from Clary and clearly wasn’t in any hurry to leave. Well, Clary wasn’t about to complain about having a fresh pair of ears to help her swim through the ocean of emotions in her mind.

It was slightly strange, sitting there with her ex’s girlfriends talking about her potential future relationship, but it was far from the most unusual thing Clary had dealt with in her short life.

Besides, she would deal with strangeness a thousand times over if it meant she got a second and last love out of it.

* * *

Maia looked as beautiful as ever.

She was talking to a client, a frown on her face and her jaw clenched in a way that told Clary she wasn’t having a good night, but she looked stunning. She was dressed in her usual bartending outfit, her hair put up in a messy bun, and Clary felt her heart flutter uncomfortably fast in her chest.

Then Maia looked up, and Clary couldn’t feel her heart at all. Maia’s entire face lit up, a smile curling at the corner of her mouth, and her eyes shone as bright as they always did when she first saw Clary enter a room. The redhead knew they liked each other, knew there were undeniable feelings there, but it still took her breath away to see the _proof_ of their emotions written all over Maia’s features.

She wondered if she looked the same.

She took a deep breath, gathering up all her courage as she walked up to her friend and took a seat at her favourite spot in front of the bar. It hadn’t escaped her notice that, ever since she had started coming to the bar, that seat was always free. Another sign that Maia payed attention to her and her little quirks. Another sign that they were right for each other.

Now all she had to do was transform those small acts of kindness, those longing stares, and those deep conversations into something more. Maia wouldn’t act on her feelings, not with the way Clary had been hung up on Isabelle for over a month after their break-up, but Clary was starting to believe that her friend was just waiting for her to make the first move.

The cards were in her hand, and Clary just had to make sure that she didn’t screw things up right when she was so close to overcoming her fears and achieving her newly-found goal.

Lydia’s words of encouragement rang in her mind, and she let her nervous smile soften when Maia made her way towards her. The brunette opened her mouth to speak, but Clary had been ready for it and beat her to the punch.

“You look like you could use a drink.”

Maia’s lips parted in a quiet ‘oh’, as though she knew exactly what was going to happen. Chances were she did, honestly. This conversation was long overdue, and the only person Clary could blame for the delay was herself. She had been so intent on dealing with her feelings ‘later’ that she hadn’t realised all she had been doing was making both Maia and herself suffer through months of friendship tinged with romance.

Months of caring about each other and helping each other home when they were too drunk or tired. Months of learning more about each other and going on dates in all but name. Months of falling for each other, one drink at a time. Clary had been a fool, and she could only hope that she wasn’t too late.

Lydia didn’t think so and, deep down, neither did Clary, but that didn’t necessarily mean they were right.

“You stole my line,” Maia murmured, clearing her throat when her voice trembled slightly. Clary couldn’t tell whether she was nervous or excited, but hopefully it was a little bit of both, because that was certainly how _Clary_ felt. “How am I supposed to do my job as your friend correctly if you come in and steal my lines as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.”

“Don’t worry,” Clary grinned, winking at Maia and relishing in the blush that her actions sparked. “You say it a lot more smoothly than I do, thanks to all those months of practice. Trust me, no one could surpass you.”

“I certainly hope not,” Maia whispered, looking away from Clary and grabbing a glass, preparing Clary’s favourite drink without even having to think about it. _Signs_ , Clary thought. Little things that made sense for friends to do, but made even more sense for lovers to do, especially when they were paired with soft glances and hopeful smiles. Maia wanted this as much as Clary did.

“You know, I never realised how much that sentence meant to me until Lydia said it last week and it felt like someone had scraped their nails on a blackboard inside my very soul,” Clary said quietly, accepting the drink Maia had mixed with a crooked smile. “She walked into this very bar when you weren’t here, told me I looked like I could use something to drink, and it felt so wrong that I almost snapped at her for using those exact words.”

Maia chuckled, shaking her head fondly at Clary as she spoke but not making a move to interrupt the redhead quite yet. Good thing, because there were some things Clary needed to do in one go, and this was one of those. She wasn’t an expert in love confessions, but she had known Maia for long enough that she knew – or thought she knew – what would work best.

More importantly, she knew herself enough to know what would ring true and what wouldn’t. Clary was afraid that Maia and she wouldn’t work out, but she wasn’t afraid of this anymore. She wasn’t afraid of her feelings, because she knew they went both ways; all she had to do was make Maia understand that she was ready for more. That she was thankful for all the time the brunette had given her to think, but that she had done enough wondering and pondering and overthinking for a lifetime.

“I love you, Maia Roberts,” she breathed out, laughing helplessly as she felt tears well up in her eyes. Across the bar, Maia’s breath hitched, and Clary knew she had said the right thing. “I love you, and I think I have for a while now, but I was… I was afraid that if I told you, and if we tried to be together, things wouldn’t work out and I would lose my best chance at the perfect relationship. But then I realised that not saying anything was even worse, because then I would just be tossing that chance right out of the window. I’ve spent months by your side, talking to you almost every day, and I’ve never felt better about myself or about someone else, so… So I love you, Maia, and I’m sorry it took me so long to come out and say it.”

Maia stared at her for a few moments longer, blinking away tears and grinning brighter than she ever had before. When it became clear that Clary wasn’t about to say anything else, she cleared her throat nervously and raised a single hand to cup Clary’s cheek. The redhead inhaled sharply and gulped, clenching her trembling fingers into fists and hoping none of her anxiety showed on her face.

“Are you done speaking for now?” Maia asked softly, waiting for Clary to nod before she leaned forwards and lowered her voice. “Can I kiss you?”

Clary had never agreed to anything faster, a quiet and broken ‘ _yes_ ’ slipping past her lips before Maia even had the time to finish asking her question. The brunette laughed breathlessly, and then her lips were on Clary’s. Their position wasn’t exactly ideal for kissing, but Clary didn’t care. She braced herself on the counter with one of her hands and deepened their kiss, swiping her tongue against Maia’s lips teasingly and laughing into the brunette’s mouth when she scrunched her nose up.

They smiled, nipped at each other’s lips, and let their mouths slot together perfectly, their movements unhurried and warm and loving. Clary hadn’t kissed anyone in a long time, not since- Well, not since her last relationship, but for some reason, this felt better than anything she could remember.

Maia took things slow, caressed her cheek, and slipped a hand behind Clary’s neck even though she had to reach further and twist her arm at an awkward angle. They shouldn’t have fit so perfectly, but they did, and Clary couldn’t believe she hadn’t let this happen as soon as she had realised there was something between Maia and her.

When they pulled apart, they were both grinning and gazing at each other warmly, and Clary wondered if they could stay there forever, bent uncomfortably over a bar whilst they held each other as best as they could. Unfortunately, Maia leaned away before Clary could think of keeping her in place and, if the wink the brunette sent her way was anything to go by, Maia knew _exactly_ what she was doing. The tease.

“I love you too, Clary Fray,” she murmured quietly enough that no one but Clary would be able to hear her. “Even though it took you months to stop biting your lip whilst staring at me and actually _do_ something about your feelings. I love you, and I’m so glad that you feel confident enough about our future to take this risk, because I think you’re it for me, Clary, and I would have hated not being given the chance to prove that I’m it for you, too.”

“Maia,” Clary shook her head, letting a tear roll down her cheek and not bothering to wipe it away. “You don’t have to show me anything, because I already know. I know that as long as you’ll have me, I’ll love you with my whole being.”

“You foolish romantic,” Maia huffed, leaning in again and pecking Clary’s cheeks before gesturing towards the rest of the bar. “Unfortunately, I can only do one love confession per night, so you’ll have to excuse me whilst I go deal with my more unsavoury clients. Can you believe that some of them come in here and don’t even give me grand speeches about how I much I matter to them?”

“Absolutely unbelievable,” Clary gasped mock-seriously, giggling along with Maia as the other woman walked away. “Come back to me soon, Roberts, I’m a lot more fun than they are! I’ll even kiss you again!”

“Well, how am I supposed to resist such an offer?” Maia called over her shoulder, smiling apologetically at the patron in front of her before taking his order.

And as she worked, Clary leaned against her counter, her head resting in the palm of her hand, and she admired this beautiful woman whom she had fallen in love with in this very bar, after nights spent talking and venting and learning more about the real Maia Roberts.

Isabelle had broken her heart and crushed it into pieces, but Maia had been the one to glue it back together with her words and her voice and her tendency to ramble about marine biology when she was drunk. Clary had thought Isabelle was the one, her one chance at love, but Maia had shown her there was someone else out there for her. Someone better for her.

And if she was asked to choose between never getting her heart broken or getting to fall in love with Maia, she would choose the latter over and over and over again.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! Still no beta on this, so apologise for any mistakes (and with a fic this long, I guarantee that there are some kjzdhf). I've had this fic started for a week (or at least that very first scene) and I finally found the time, energy, and motivation to keep on writing it, and it turned into a bit of a monster of a one-shot, so... I hope you enjoyed? <3
> 
> Love, Junie. 
> 
> (find me on tumblr @hopesilverheart)


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